Stages of a Healthy Relationship - Avoid starting unhealthy relationships
March 28, 2008
The first stages of a healthy relationship are critical so you don’t get hurt. Steve Hedger relationship coach reveals how to avoid unhealthy starts to your relationships.
Letting your emotions run away with you on a dates and when starting a relationship is extremely common. Meeting new people is exciting and especially if you find someone that just blows your socks off. That experience does not happen very often, so it‘s easy to get carried away. They could be just what you are looking for. Your hormones are racing and you can’t help yourself. Your mind starts to create your future together, you see dates, holidays, your house in the country together. You have created this perfect relationship all on your own, and in your own mind.
Being in love with someone is a wonderful feeling and commiting yourself 100% to them is brilliant, or is it? Starting a relationship takes two people, so no amount of enthusiasm on your part is going to make this perfect without the others agreement and effort.
Balance is key in these early stages of a healthy relationship.
Throwing yourself into a relationship in your mind only can be a very scary place to be. Especially if you don’t get the signals back that this is going where you planned it to go, this will create either, an insecurity in you, or you will just totally back off, which is the reverse of what you want. Insecurities will change how you behave and now your seen as needy. Insecurity is off putting and will have the opposite affect to what you really want.
You have probably experienced when starting a relationship what it’s like to have someone really into you and your not there yet, your unsure about them but the more they push you, the further you retreat. The further you go away the harder they chase, and now they are an irritation so you end it. In your mind the person is now a hassle, a problem. None of us enjoy problems so we remove them!
Stages of a healthy relationship
Creation of balance to avoid pain - We all know that to lead a successful life it’s all about balance, and starting a relationship is no different. When we first meet someone we can have feelings of falling in love. For the most, what you have fallen in love with, is what you know so far, and you don’t know everything by a long shot but you feel you do! This is the one and I’m going for it! The creation of a mirrored balance is what will now protect you from yourself.
If you feel or see that you date is putting in 20% of their time or emotion, then make sure you do no more than that. If your both equally interested then you will find that the 20% quickly escalates to 40% and then 70% and your both putting in equal effort, this is reality and that’s exciting. Remember you can’t build a relationship on your own and if you do, you will get hurt. If you feel that your putting in more effort then stop and put in less than they are.
If they are genuinely interested they will increase their effort as they have noticed you backing off and they don’t want to lose you. When this happens you can now mirror them again. If they’re still putting in no effort then it’s time to re-consider if it’s worth your time. As this could be hard work, you will eventually feel taken for granted, which will be emotionally destructive for you, and you will walk away at some point.
The advice is to give no more than 70% of yourself in the first 3 months. Hold back 30% until they have proved they are worth your effort. Only give 100% once the commitment has reached your goal - could be marriage or a serious commitment!
Emotions are difficult to control, but the feeling of being crushed because you read it wrong, is far worse.
Create the stages of a healthy relationship today and look after you.
Related Articles
- First Date Chat - Dating Conversation Topics to get a Second Date.
- Is he the one? Great Expectations for a First Date
- Boyfriend Problems. I slept with him and he hasn’t called?
- Being Single - Happy People Attract Others
- Being Single and Loving It - Successful Singles find Love
- Online Relationships! I can’t believe I’m doing this!
Recommended reading
Recommended reading for her
Recommended reading for him
Recommended reading for Couples
First Date Chat - Dating Conversation Topics to get a Second Date.
March 27, 2008
First date conversation that will create a second date is your goal. We all dread the moment on a first date when you both dry up, without warning it goes silent for what seems forever, and now your minds gone blank!
One of the biggest fears when on a first date is what are we going to talk about? Imagine the conversation has dried up on a date, you both sit there staring at each other, one of you panics and fills the air with a daft comment or continuous chat about nothing, and now both of you just want to get the hell out of there!
On a first date dating conversation topics are less important than how you conduct yourself. If you combine a confident presence through body language with great conversation, then you have the making of a great person to date because you will help your date to feel comfortable in your company. Get them comfortable first and then help them to like you by showing interest in them. OK so this sound great but but what will be a great conversation for this person I don’t know?
First date questions
On a date we just want to come across as interesting, funny or have some interesting points to make. Basically we just want to liked and not just for our looks. Intelligence is an attractive quality, and we know it! The bottom line is, we just want to feel good about ourselves on the date.
First date questions to avoid.
As a rule of thumb for a first date, don’t cover religion or politics as this kind of topic usually generate a heated debate, which if not handled with the utmost care will result in disagreement or worse an argument. What you are after is a date full of agreements, anything that will create a positive vibe without controversy.
Never talk about past relationships unless asked, and if asked keep it short and be honest without being critical. To many your relationship history will be important, it might come up so be prepared.
Men have a tendency to think that women will be interested in what he has got, such as a big house or a flash car and big salary. To a man this could mean he is generating security for her. Most women will resent the fact that he thinks she needs supporting, and she will feel he’s just showing off. A woman knows that a rich man does not equal a great partner. The thought of money on tap is inviting, but will have the opposite affect if presented overtly early on. The first date questions a woman is looking for relates to her emotions such as“will this man look after all her emotional needs” this is something a man can’t buy, as it takes effort. She wants to be a man focus.
A relationship is all about emotions. If you know that “someone falls in love with you because of how they feel about themselves when they are with you” then this will help to guide you with what to say. It’s easy, make the person feel looked after and special, show an interest in them and you have got it made!
First date questions & dating conversation topics
People like people that are interested in them. This creates a good feeling. Gather as much information about your date before you meet. Think of the type of questions you could ask based on the information you have so far. Whatever they are interested in will be a great topic. Remember, if you ask questions that will result in a “yes” or a “no” then you will kill the conversation dead so avoid this.
Ask open-ended questions such as “what’s your experience of online dating?” is better than “do you enjoy online dating?” which could just result in a “yes or no”. This will generate a flowing conversation that will sprout other topics, this feels good as you both share experiences.
People love people with a great sense of humour, it’s one of the most attractive qualities you can bring to a first date. If you make your date laugh (I don’t mean tell jokes) the chances of a second date are very high, because laughing makes people feel great about themselves.
Dating conversation topics That will give you more information and could even help you with future surprises.
- Travel and places they’ve been to and any that they’ve always wanted to go to.
- Weedend activities Talk about interests such as what the weekends usually have instore.
- Inspiration what have you always wanted to do but keep putting off, career, hobbies, anything.
- Their friends. Their friends will be very important, so critical to them.
- Family understand their family structure and their up bringing will give you alot of information. Be careful with this, if he or she changes the topic fast then leave it for the moment and come back to it on later dates.
- Drinks will come up in bars so you could start with this. Getting to know their favorite drinks is important to many.
Show plenty of interest in the other person, compliment them on their knowledge or achievements. If your impressed, then tell the person how much respect you have for them. This is better than continuously telling a woman how beautiful she is.
The advice is for a first date is, help your date to feel great about themselves, they will attach those feelings of happiness to you, and they will want more of you. It’s simple!
Related Articles
- Starting a Relationship takes Courage - Stages of a Healthy Relationship
- Is he the one? Great Expectations for a First Date
- Boyfriend Problems. I slept with him and he hasn’t called?
- Being Single - Happy People Attract Others
- Being Single and Loving It - Successful Singles find Love
- Online Relationships! I can’t believe I’m doing this!
Recommended reading
Recommended reading for her
Recommended reading for him
Recommended reading for Couples
Is he the one? Great Expectations for a First Date
March 27, 2008
Is he the one? Great expectations for dating could stop you being yourself and could spoil your chances of finding and keeping the one.
Your about to go on your first date and your mind is awash with emotions; excitement, nervousness, fears and expectations, followed by so many questions.
“What is he or she going to be like?”
“Is this the relationship I’ve been looking for”
“Will we get on?”
“What will we talk about?”
“What if I know he or she is wrong for me?”
Potentially the most destructive question for you; Is he the one?
Great expectations dating
Nine times out of ten a date will not meet your expectations, and all the emotion before the date will create disappointment for youwhen you find he’s not the one. After a few dates the whole process starts to becomes a chore rather than an adventure! So looking at your dating differently will change your experience. This is important because if your serious about finding the one, going on many dates could be what has to happen before you find the right person for you.
Expectations such as “is he the one”will create a false future of what your date could mean to your life, this will make you feel overwelming emotions that will change you and your behaviour on your date, because the pressure is now on you to perform.
STEP AWAY FROM EXPECTATION!
The best advice we can give you is to change your expectations!
If you go on a date with huge expectations such as “this could be the one, the relationship I’ve always wanted!” You will be let down. If they are “the one” great, but if their not you will be left feeling disappointed. Who likes feeling disappointed? It’s not a great emotion to have, so why set yourself up to feel it?
This is your new expectation for the date!
“No matter what happens on this date,
I will have a great time!”
If they turn out to not be what you expected, then you can put it down to experience and you might have learnt something new.
Setting this expectation is better, it will change how you behave because the risk to your emotions has now been removed. Your mind and body will now relax. You will now create a state in you that will give you the power to “Just be you!” That’s better for both you and your date!
Relax, have fun and now focus on the date! If you take this attitude to dating then if you do meet ‘the one’, then the chances of messing it up through nerves is greatly reduced.
Related Articles
- Starting a Relationship takes Courage - Stages of a Healthy Relationship
- First Date Chat - Dating Conversation Topics to get a Second Date.
- Boyfriend Problems. I slept with him and he hasn’t called?
- Being Single - Happy People Attract Others
- Being Single and Loving It - Successful Singles find Love
- Online Relationships! I can’t believe I’m doing this!
Recommended reading
Recommended reading for her
Recommended reading for him
Recommended reading for Couples
Online Relationships! I can’t believe I’m doing this!
March 26, 2008
Taking the first steps to having online relationships can be a daunting prospect for many, especially with so many horror stories around. Putting your photo online for all to see is scary.
“Another night alone in front of the TV. I had a great time with the girls last night, but what I really want is someone special.”
“I can’t believe I’m thinking of creating an online relationship! I must be so sad, I’m advertising for someone to love me? Where’s my pride? But I keep meeting people in the gym, bars and clubs. They’re just not right for me and works out of the question”
Now imagine meeting that online stranger in a bar on your own.
- What if I know I don’t like the person straight away?
- What if he’s got a knife?
- Now I am being ridiculous!
- Maybe I could find the one!”
Being nervous about relationships online is totally understandable, so many concerns and questions. Today millions of people around the globe are reaping the rewards of being online. So we have made your life a little easier by putting together information to help you avoid the pitfalls and keep you safe!
So where do I start with online relationships?
Which dating site should I choose? We have narrowed some searches down for you and have picked the best of the bunch for you to choose from.
Start your online relationship search by looking at my recommended Top Dating Sites & Matchmaking sites which cater for most of your needs. When you have done this then consider the niche specialist sites that are targeted at individuals with specific needs or specialisms.
The first thing to decide is what do you need to create the best online relationship from dating sites?
Some sites are offering video chat facilities, for those of you who want to get to know someone before you take the leap to meet in the flesh. It’s also great for knowing that the person you are meeting is the person in the photo. Sometimes an issue!
Other sites offer games or virtual dating (this is where the site generates a character for you and you go into virtual cities to meet other virtual people). These are great functions for safely meeting new people and great for breaking the ice. Most of all they are different from the main stream sites by offering a less serious way to meet people.
Price is also important.
Most paid for sites let you register for free. This allows you to enter the site place a profile and upload a photo. You will usually not be able to interact but you may get messages from others showing interest in you. This could be your incentive to join if you like someone who has shown an interest in you.
There are also many free sites. This at first glance is great but check the site out. On a free site the sites objective will be to attract advertisers so this will be their main focus. On a paid site you will be the focus of that dating site.
So lets get started and get you a relationship online.
My advice is to join at least 2 sites I’ve recommend above and then join a specialist one. Join them for a short period of time lets say 1 month and then commit to 3 months once you feel comfortable with that site.
This is the first step to a successful online relationship. The next steps are detailed below.
Related Articles
Online Dating Profiles, Do’s & Don’ts!
March 26, 2008
Before you upload the only photo you have stored somewhere on your computer, and start a profile that begins with “What do I say about me…” Stop!
Lets start with what is a profile?
Most people don’t want to put much effort into their profile and then they wonder why they attract the wrong people. They then give up and say “online dating is a waste of time!” Of course it is! The lack of effort is reflected in the type and quality of the people that respond. It’s like anything, you get out of it what you put in.
So what’s the job of your profile? It’s basically a page where you market yourself to others so they are engaged enough to want to interact with you. Your profile will attract people that share the same or similar goals, want a serious relationship, have similar interests and life values. If you seem like a good fit, then the profile has done it’s job and you can consider either ongoing emails to find out more, a call or meeting to see if you have chemistry with that person.
A little more… As we have already said the profile is a marketing exercisefor you! The first thing an experienced marketer will do is check out the competition. So do the same, find out what the competition is saying and pick the profile structures you like… basically copy them, but with your own information.
Writing your profile.
The best advice is to be “honest”.
Honesty! Honesty! Honesty!
Many people don’t ask for what they want because they are worried it will put people off. There are thousands of people on these sites all with different wants and needs. Your job is to put them off so you can only deal with those who are genuinely interested in your wants and needs.
Lets say you are wanting to find a serious relationship with a view to getting married. Then tell them that’s what you are looking for. Yes it’s going to put off many people but that’s good! Why do you want to attract those that are not there to find a partner to ultimately marry?
Talk about your life and what a special partner would mean to you. What sort of person are you looking for and what qualities would that person have to have. For example if you like the “outdoors life style” say that you are looking for someone to share your love of e.g. rock climbing!
Make the reader feel that you are serious about wanting someone in your life and what being in you life would mean to both you and them. For instance, you could love travelling and you could talk about all the countries you have visited. If you don’t say that you want to share these travelling experiences then people reading your profile might think that, they will be left for months on end waiting for you to come back from you next trip and pass you by, so be specific, ask for what you want.
If your going to say I have a (GSOH) “Great Sense Of Humour” then prove it by being funny. Your particular sense of humour will attract those who understand your humour or those who are engaged by it. Many people write the most boring profiles and then tell you they have a great sense of humour. Your audience needs proof!
If your going to talk about a perfect date don’t say “my perfect date is cuddled up in front of a log fire watching a video.” Sure we all like that image but 1000’s of people have written exactly that! So be original. Perhaps it does not matter where you go on your date, because what you want to focus on is the person your with, and not what’s around you. The key is to put yourself in the shoes of the reader, understand what you would enjoy and what would make your date feel special.
Now you can look at the photo.
The photo is the first experience others will have of you, and is a huge part of the process to atract people to read your profile. So get some great photos that best reflect you. Either get a friend to take some shots or employ a professional. Take a few in different situations. Use the photos to tell a story of your life today, a mix of friends, holidays, dinner, anthing. Give someone a snapshot of your life!
If all this still feels like hard work or writing is just not your thing, ask your friends to write it for you, or you could take the headache out of producing a profile by employing a professional service.
Related Articles
Are we compatible? Relationship Chat?
March 26, 2008
So now your all set up and your being bombarded with potential dates and a relationship is on the cards. It’s all exciting stuff. So what the best way to manage the interest your brilliant profile has generated.
When you are contacted by one of the site members, here are some things to look out for before you respond. Remember, in profiles people can pretend to be someone their not, and they can be very convincing.
Apart form the obvious checking to see if their photo appeals to you, there are other things to look out for. See if there is a number of photo’s in different situations, maybe with friends on holiday etc. The more the better, this will help you to know that the person is real (safety is critical) and gives you an idea of their life style. One photo is concerning because it might not be the person your replying to. If you are interested in this person ask for more photo’s to be sent to your ‘dating only free hotmail account‘. It’s not difficult to get a digital photo, cameras are everywhere, even in phones. If he or she refuses then walk away.
What Lies Beneath?
Next is deciphering their written profile. Notice what you are experiencing in you when you read the profile. What you really feel will be reflected in your gut feeling to what your reading, so listen to it. Of course everyone wants to come across as well as they can, but some do stretch the truth. Listen to you gut instinct, if you get an uncomfortable feeling when reading then stop and move on to the next profile.
Never make assumptions, these are killers for any relationship, (I will cover assumptions and their impact in a future post so look out for it). In profiles they can get you in quite a fix! E.g. you can create an expectation based only on your imagination about what you have read, and this can be a million miles from the actual truth. If you want a point in the profile qualified then ask, it will save a lot of time for both of you. If the feeling from what you have read is good then explore some more. Try to understand what the person is trying to tell you, and think up some questions that their profile has generated in you. Get as many facts until you feel comfortable.
The long and short of it!
Conversely if you are contacted by individuals who only comment on your picture (and men are worse for this) or they write a message that could fit anyone, be concerned as it could have been copied and pasted to 100’s of women. What you are looking for is a message that you feel has been written to you, they have shown interest in your profile content and is straight to the point.
The initial message you write or receive should be short. Long first messages will not get read. Neither will a message that is too short. Men, please remember don’t give a women a superficial few words like “your beautiful”, “hot lady call me” or “I love your picture” from an online stranger these messages mean nothing, in fact worse than nothing. Whatever you write remember people are interested in people that are interested in them. Women on the whole are not interested in what car you drive, how much money you have or the fact that you wrestled crocodiles. Yes they want a man, but they want one who is interested in them. The material stuff comes second, anyone can be rich or strong but that does not make them a great partner.
Once you find some people you are interested in explore them by email through the dating site, and get all the information you need before you move onto the next level. Which could be a phone call or meeting. Online Safety.
Who could be compatible with you and create the relationship you want?
It is very usual for individuals with a similar background and up-bringing to have a better chance of making a relationship work (of course there are always exceptions to the rule) so question what kind of life they are used to and what is important to them in life, in relationships, children and family, work etc… Please note all these question’s can feel like an interview to the recipient. The fact is, it is an interview, but explore the question’s in a chatty fun way, make it feel like genuine curiosity rather than an interrogation. The goal is to have fun together and still get the information you need.
If your looking for a serious relationship then you could consider this question. Great questions get great answers, so here’s one to think about for you and maybe it’s one you could ask your potential date.
“What’s critical for you to have in a relationship for it to work for you?”
Critical means that if you don’t have it then the relationship will fail! For example; it could be “honesty” we all want that, or it could be that the person has to be “solvent” or it could be “adventure” as without excitement you will stagnate. So if you’re into getting out alot and all the other person wants is night after night in front of the TV your going to have a problem. Don’t search for problems, just be honest with how you see your life and listen for the response.
Communication is the key, just imagine getting on great on email, the phone call was amazing, you meet and the chemistry is great. As the relationship goes on and you have now emotionaly bonded, something comes up you didn’t expect, and it’s critical to you. For example the man now expects you to give up work as for him the woman’s place is in the home and not the work place. For some this works but it might not work for you?
Have fun finding out about each other, but find out what is important to you. Remember you only get one life, relationships that go wrong usually are because of poor communication, lack of understanding, unclear boundaries and assumptions.
Start as you mean to go on, get it right and you could find the person you have always wanted. Just imagine waking up every morning feeling lucky!
Related Articles
Go with Your Instinct - Safety online!
March 26, 2008
When you meet any stranger online there are some simple steps you can take to ensure you are protecting yourself.
Related Articles
Relationship Counseling, Live Chat, Phone, or Email.
March 25, 2008
 |
|||
|---|---|---|---|
|
Relationship counseling expert advice, live. Get immediate help online via live chat, phone, or email from qualified professional advisors in Professional Counseling and more. Get live expert advice now!
From time-to-time we all need Professional Relationship Advice! Read more
Make a Date for Success Today with Steve Hedger
March 18, 2008
My job is to help you attract more of what you want into your life. Maybe it’s more dates, better relationships, more money, more confidence and self-esteem. You may want to get a better understanding of who you are and how to redirect your life.
The are three ways to get dating and relationship advice from Steve right now. Click on one of the links below. I recommend you start with email because its low cost and gives you time to assess the quality of the advice and what it means to you.
1. Email Steve with your question
3. Post a question on this site for free
Maybe you want to remove guilt, fears anxiety or stop repeating old destructive patterns such as choosing the wrong partners.
Whatever it is that you want I am here to help you get it. Are you struggling to make decisions, create goals or make changes in any of these areas? If so I can help you today!
FREE ADVICE: Ask Steve a dating or relationship question Click Here
BETTER RELATIONSHIPS:
Making Decisions about Relationships
Dating/Social Life
Creating Relationships that Work
Ending Relationships
Changing your own behaviours
Nurturing/Improving Your Relationships
Communication issues
Understanding you
LIFE CHANGE ISSUES
Confidence/Self-esteem
Becoming assertive
Getting Unstuck
Managing Stress Better
Balancing priorities
Pursuing Dreams & Desires
IT’S FREE TO EXPLAIN YOUR PROBLEM AND ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Coaching with Steve is action and goal orientated and easy to follow. We will discover what you want and why. We’ll make sure your goal will support your values and then we’ll create a plan to make sure you achieve it. Steve will support you step-by-step and provide you with on going tools.
The initial consultation is free whilst you explain your problem. Come and chat to Steve today by clicking the box below.
Steve Hedger
NLP Relationship & Life Coach
If you wish to have coaching by phone then please email me for an appointment at feedback@datingshoes.com
Being Single - Happy Singles are More Likely to Meet a Partner
March 6, 2008
Being single and happy will attract others to you. So how do you create a happy you and bag a great relationship in the process?
The key is to being single is to focus on what makes you happy when you do this you will have one result. You will be happy. Happiness is a choice! Lets try a quick experiment. Think of something that makes you sad and what do you get? Now focus on something that made you laugh out loud and now what do you get? Spend 30 seconds on each. Try it now before you read on……..
If you did this you will have created for two different sets of emotions purely based on thought. It’s impossible to have a happy thought at the same time as a sad one. So your goal is to focus on what makes you consistently happy and is not conditional on anything, such as finding Mr or Mrs Perfect.
Material possesions and people don’t make us happy long term, they are just short term fixes. If you have ever bought a car you will love it to start with, and before long you take it for granted and it’s no longer exciting. If you have bought a dress, a month later you find yourself saying I’ve got nothing to wear. The only person that can create long term happiness in us and and improve the relationship we have with ourselves… is us!
The art of being single
Money does not create happiness. Having the model figure does not make us happy. The proof is out there. There are plenty of miserable models in rehab or millionaires who are lonely so “stuff” is not the answer. What makes us happy is how we experience the world that we create.
If you are able to maintain a positive emotion in most situations, and look at bad experiences as learning opportunities, then you are almost there!
The art of being single is to stop looking for the perfect relationship and to focus and explore you. What is it that really makes you happy? What have you always wanted to do but were scared to try? What do you love about your life today and what could you do more of that creates those great feelings? The goal is to love and respect you. What could you do today, in the next week, over the next few months that would show you love and respect. How could you show yourself that you can now trust yourself to make sure you are happy every day.
This feeling of happiness creates a powerful feeling of independence and self-esteem. This is the feeling you need to be more attractive. What’s more important than how attractive you are, is how you feel about you.
The relationship hoppers are the people to avoid. They are the ones who need you to make them happy as they have not yet discovered how to look after their own needs. So this is your chance to not be that person and create a happy you whilst being single and bag yourself a brilliant relationship in the process.
Related Articles
- Starting a Relationship takes Courage - Stages of a Healthy Relationship
- First Date Chat - Dating Conversation Topics to get a Second Date.
- Is he the one? Great Expectations for a First Date
- Boyfriend Problems. I slept with him and he hasn’t called?
- Being Single and Loving It - Successful Singles find Love
- Online Relationships! I can’t believe I’m doing this!
Recommended reading
Recommended reading for her
Recommended reading for him
Recommended reading for Couples
